Your gifts of words are a pleasure to read, and serves as a reminder of how much support is abound on our forum. I came out when I was in highschool and it was a huge shift, some ups and many downs. Actually very scary at times.
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The emotions of attraction, lust, love, friendship, regret, longing and need to escape are so very natural. I can promise you that there will be someone out there who you will fall in love with who you will have beautiful feelings for who has you back and is attractive and is able to return all the love you give.
Putting you in touch with other gay and gay-friendly tourism professionals. Grandma passed away, too. Actually very scary at times.